I am my husbands second wife. I am slowly getting over the idea that I will never be his one and only. We are Muslim and polygamy is legal in Islam, he can have up to 4 wives. I have in my marriage contract he is not allowed to marry anyone else. But his first wife is still around. She is in another country and I have never met her. She and I have talked on the phone, but only breifly. We are trying to learn how to communicate, because I only speak a little Arabic and she only speaks a little English. She is coming next month. How do I cope with this? I have had my husband to myself for 2 years and she has been away from him for 5 years. I am not worried about the language barriar as much as I am about jealousy and how we can be friends? I am 20 and very jealous. I didn't know anything about her until after I had known my husband (just as friends still) for 1 year.I fell in love, so I decided to marry him, but this is still a problem to me.Anyone want to offer anything nonjudgemental?Polygamy. How to deal with co-wife?
I understand that it is hard to be a wife to a man who has another. This is why I am the first wife and have in my contract that there will be no others.
But as to your problem first you are in a religious marriage not a legal one. Therefore nothing you are doing is illegal. Unless you did marry him in the court then it is illegal but not for you for him.
Is the first wife coming to stay or just a visit.
If it is a visit then you have nothing to worry about she will be gone before you know it.
But if she is here to stay you will have to get to know her and understand more of the Islamic faith. In order for him to have more than one wife he has to be able to give everything to you and her equally even his love.
If he can not be equal with money, housing, gifts, and his heart you have the right to leave him and take what ever you were given in the contract, plus three months of support.
As for the wife you are going to be around her a lot so you should try your best to become best friends with her. If the two of you can join together you will be happier. Plus you will be able to completely control everything and he will not be able to stop you. Especially since the Quran says he is to make his wife happy in all ways and now he has to make two wives happy.
power in numbersPolygamy. How to deal with co-wife?
This is the reason that it is a bad idea. I would love to help you out, but I am not sure what to tell you other than you entered the situation with the knowledge that this was the case. It really isn't fair of you to decide that it is a problem now.
If you can't live with it you have to leave. That would be better than making all three of you miserable.
I'm not Muslim but that guy Notice seems correct. You knew going in when you were just friends that he had another wife. It's not like he lied to you cause before you married you knew. Since you still accepted to marry him, you must then accept the situation he put you in. Now if what's-his-face Notice is right, then you should be entitled to separate space so that you don't have to cohabitate. Talk to him about that.
Seems to me that your husband is a weazel. I don't think I am judgemental here. He lied to you in the first place about his other marriage. Unless you desperately need him financially or for some other reason, I'd advise you to leave him and not look back. If that is not possible, then you'll have to learn to live with the idea of sharing.
I wouldnt really know just try to be as nice as you can and you knew this going in?????Are you trying to test yourself?
Izzy I think the time to think about this was before you married him. Now the only thing that you can do is get used to it or get out. Getting out may be a lot harder than getting in was.
What ever you do be loving to everyone involved.
Love and blessings Don
You know... this is one that has me totally stumped.
The only things I can think of to say are really nasty.
You have a problem and a big one at that. I'd kill him for doing that to me. Better yet, I'd never have married him in the first place.
so does that mean you can marry another man as well or is that just for the men
Assalamoalakum Sister,
I am not in a polygamous relationship, but I know that the man is supposed to get approval from whichever women he is going to be married to, and they all have to agree to it, especially the first wife. I have also heard of women getting along and becoming like sisters in this situation, although I think it would take a very pious woman to be at all satisfied in this situation. It takes a lot of patience to be someone's second wife, and a lot of prayer. Exercise your sabr, sister, because I believe this arrangement can work. If you are in love with him, then it is best if you stay, and try to get along with his other wife. Obviously, he loves you, or he would not have married you, and taken responsibility for you. If I was in your situation, I know I wouldn't like it, but I would try to get along with the other wife for the greater good of the whole family unit. Prayer helps in any situation, and I would imagine it would help you a lot in dealing with this issue. Hopefully you will both like each other, and be kind to each other, Insha Allah. Even if you get jealous, that is normal. However, it's best not to take your anger out on anyone. If you feel jealous, and need to be by yourself, then you can hopefully leave the house for a while if you drive, go to the library, shopping, to a friend's house, whatever will make you feel better about the situation. Good luck to you. Salam.
Sister, I believe you, and I just want to tell you it is not important what non-Muslims think about this. Only pay attention to the advice of people who practice our religion, and ignore the others.
If you are a jealous person you should not have entered into a Polygamy marriage. I know your religion condones it but it is not the best for your mental health.
No woman wants to share her man. Some do it peacefully because they have no choice and do not want to lose their husbands.
If you are not polite and do not accept her, it will cause trouble between you and your husband. Can you talk to him about your feelings in a calm way? Will he understand?
Is she just coming for a visit or to live permanently? If you share him only part of the time maybe you can deal with it. But full time may be a real problem for you. Many women you are under constant low grade stress for long periods of time have physical ailments. You can ruin your health.
You deffinately need advise from a close friend or relative who knows you both and who has insite with your religion. That may be your best bet. Good Luck
With all due respect, I think you should look at your emotional reaction to this situation and begin to question the wisdom of a religion supporting polygamy. This hopefully can begin leading you on a journey of understanding as to the other teachings of Islam that may not be consisitent with what God would want in a person's life. I pray that God will lead you down this road of discovery and to the true and living God.
Non-judgemental ? Ok . . . it's not really your fault that you are so stupid that you went after a married man. Now dump him and ';wise up '; !
You shouldn't have married him...This was your mistake. But still, the Sharia says that he must treat you both equally and provide for you both equally, so you shouldn't really have to share a house...Besides, are you sure that it's legal in the country you are living in? This sounds like a b.s. question...
treat her like a friend, you all are part of a big family. she is also his wife. she has rights as you are.
I think he's using you. It's mighty suspicious to me, you know, considering the atmosphere of the times, you should be more cautious about who you marry. He's just leading you around by the nose.
well, about the present situation. Is she staying in the same house with you, or her parents' house? If she's divorced from him, I don't think they should be under the same roof. Listen to your heart. It's not jealous. It's sensible. Divorce is divorce.
Apparently you got yourself in a bind. First of all you have been used in order for him to go to your country. Second, you got into a relationship where culture a a considerable factor, his being a muslim and your not being one. Third, the emotional aspect you called love is being put on the block. Fourth, you broke the law.
Only you can solve this problem because you have to decide. First, you can keep quiet about the legal aspect so he wont be deported for circumventing the law by marrying you just for the purpose of being able to go to your country. Second, you have to consider how strong is your love for him. Coz you will come to the point where you know he will be in another room with the other woman doing what you can only figure out, depending on the depth, magnitude, and intensity of your imagination. Third, You have to commune with yourself and find out if you can really break the cultural barrier which might alienate you with your family, your community, and others.
Or you can steel yourself and resolve and go to the authorities and get a divorce and pick up the pieces of your life. Start all over again. It may be difficult and painful, but it will help you regain your dignity and perhaps your humanity.
heres is your advice on how to deal with your husband and ';co-wife';
DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you open enough with your husband to be able to express how you are feeling about this? Because I think he ought to know. And I hope he is not the kind that would blame you for your feelings. Your feelings are completely legitimate.
As a man who has taken on the responsibility of 2 wives, it is really his place to do everything he can to make both wives feel worthy and comfortable. He needs to know ahead of time of the potential hard feelings that can occur, and he needs to intercede. It is he who needs to see that both of you feel loved and appreciated. He has a very hard job in doing this. But I honestly feel the responsibility is mostly his in this issue.
So if possible, I would talk to him and be open about your feelings, and also say that you are willing to try to work with this situation, but you need his help.
Let me repeat some of what you said:
';I married my husband because he is the best man I have ever met in my life. He didn't tell me about her because he never told the government about her when he came to this country because it would be harder to get a visa.';
I'll try not to be judgmental, but let me ask you a few questions:
Does a ';best man'; lie to a woman he supposedly loves about something of this importance?
Does a ';best man'; hurt the one he loves by doing things that obviously would lead to feelings of inadequacy and jealousy?
Your feelings are valid and there's probably not an easy fix to it.
Is this a lifestyle that you really want to lead?
I think that trying to force a friendship is only going to make things more difficult in the long run. The most important thing, I think, is that everyone is allowed to be honest and process the feelings at his or her own pace. A lot of this will depend on how patient and compassionate your husband is capable of being; and since you're his wife, he should be loving and patient while you are deciding on your own emotions. Your religion stresses the importance of patience between husband and wife; Islam probably puts more emphasis on the importance of difference and understanding between the sexes than any other religion does. Your feelings are natural, as probably are some of the feelings that your husband's other wife has. This will likely be trying for her, as well, but the most important thing that you can do in this situation is to come to a thorough understanding of your own thoughts and emotions. There's no reason for you to feel guilty; it's natural that you're jealous. In time, the jealous feelings may start to go away. This is not guarannteed to happen, but for all of your sakes, I hope that Allah blesses you with a happy relationship. If it doesn't work out that way, the fault certainly will not lie with you alone. You're in a hard situation---please don't do yourself the discredit of thinking that anything you're feeling is wrong.
If it was a problem to you why did you get married in the first place?
Any Mormons in here that can help?
Since it's clear that you chose to marry him as his second wife, with unspecified terms to that agreement, you are under obligation to follow whatever situation he chooses to put you in.
Multiple marriages lay a heavy responsibility on men, which is why Allah allowed having more than one wife ONLY IF the husband can treat his wives equally. If a man has more than one wife, HE MUST treat them all in an equal manner, emotionally and FINANCIALLY. For example, he has to provide separate living accommodation for each of his wives. NOT SEPERATE BEDROOMS IN THE SAME HOUSE. You are rightfull ENTITLED TO YOUR OWN LIVING SPACE!
Since it is very difficult to be fair with all wives, in practice, most Muslim men DO NOT have more than one wife. Therefore polygyny is NOT a rule or an order BUT an exception.
Many people are under the misconception that it is compulsory for a Muslim man to have more than one wife.
The reason for multiple wives in Islam was not to satisfy men鈥檚 desire and that's it, but for the welfare of the widows and the orphans of the wars. During war times, many women are unable to find husbands, and they might prefer to be a co-wife than no wife.
Also allowing multiple marriages is useful in case a man's wife is sterilized and can't give him the chance of being a father; here he has the right to marry another wife, and leaving the choice to her whether she wants to continue being his wife if he marries another woman or not
However men are prohibited from cheating on their wives, meaning a man can't marry another woman without the knowledge of his wife. He should tell her, for she might refuse such situation, and in this case it's totally her right if she asked for divorce.
';Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one.'; Al-Qur鈥檃n (4:3)
';You will never be able to be fair and just among women (wives)....'; Qur鈥檃n (4:129)
It is illegal to have 2 wives in the country so how can she come??? Anyway.. U married her husband knowing that she is his first wife and that she has the same rights u'll have when u marry him, u had him for 2 years and she has been away for 5 years, that is not fair as he should spend time with her as much as he does with u. Try to accept the idea that u'll share the same man and live in peace if u love him. It's normal to be jealous, just don't let jealousy ruin ur life.
get your divorce and you are laying.
you have been posting this question again and again and again and you say your husband is the best in the world, and you new that he was maried. who is not nasty?
try a threesome
Become a suicide bomber for Allah. The Quran guarentees a reward for murdering infidels. Once you are in heaven, it wont matter. Islam is a miserable miserable way to live, so its better to hurry up and get into heaven where you can watch your husband with all his new virgins.
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